12 Months Post Stroke

 My most prolific memory of hitting the 12 month post stroke milestone was the overwhelming sense of loosing control. 

At this point, for me, was when the anxiety and depression came to a head, if you like, and became too intense for me to ignore any longer.

I waved the white flag so to speak and finally approached my GP, initially I was prescribed sertraline in a low dose which over time increased to the max 200mg dose I am on today.

Despite hearing a lot of mixed reviews about Sertraline, I felt like it was the right choice for me to give it a try rather than just flat out refuse, given the fact that I have an incredible amount of education and training regarding mental health and facilitating support for children who are experiencing problems in that area and having being unable to manage my own anxiety, I realised that maybe this issue was too big for me to carry alone and I needed help. 

Since starting Sertraline I've also been given a low dose of Amitriptyline, which I use as a sedative and to control nerve pain. I'm also on a waiting list for counselling, which I'm told could be up to 6 months wait for a once weekly telephone consultation. 

The counselling was something I was dubious about; mainly because I know the reasons behind why I am anxious and depressed but there is nothing that I, or anyone else for that matter, can do to fix these issues. No one can give me the use of my leg back or take away the overwhelming fatigue I experience every day. And if I'm completely honest with you reader, I'm not sure what good talking about it to a stranger will do. 

But still, I have hundreds of children who could testify that talking to me, or another adult at school, helped them manage their emotions and made them feel 'better'. So I have to practise what I used to preach don't I?! 

I am hopeful that perhaps counselling will help me when it comes to accepting the things that have happened are unchangeable and help give me the tools I need to move forward with my new life as such. 

There are days when I feel so bitter and resentful; there are days when I hear people moan about work and think 'you don't know how lucky you are to be able to go to work'... there are days when I see friends and family post things on social media out and having a good time and living their best lives and I feel sad, because I know those times for me are limited now, that I have to plan and rest in the days before, and be stuck in be for a number of days afterwards to allow my body and brain to recover.