For a long time following my stroke I felt sad. In my head I told myself that it was okay to be sad, I had had a traumatic event and life had changed drastically, it was unfair and it was my right to feel sad. Other people conformed this, even my GP said "its to be expected after what has happened to you." So I just accepted that I was sad and that one day I might wake up and not feel sad anymore.
But as time went, on and my physical recovery continued, my mental health didn't seem to follow suit. I was still sad. So much so I felt consumed by my emotion, like it was suffocating me.
I reached out to my GP initially - obviously when it comes to medication for depression and anxiety takes a long time to find the right one for each person and the right dose. I recall one conversation with a lovely female doctor at my surgery who spoke to me so nicely I almost cried. She was so sympathetic and she almost sounded choked up herself, which made me infinitely worse! I cried for so long after that phone call because she had understood exactly where I was coming from and what I was feeling. I needed that reassurance and that kindness in that moment more than I knew.
For me personally, medication hasn't been the answer to my depression, I feel like it absolutely has a mind of it's own, some days I feel like I can't raise a smile because there is nothing to smile about, I don't want to open the work group chat because I don't want anyone to ask me how I am as I simply don't know what to say, I can't lie and say I'm fine, because I'm so far from fine. However, the side of depression treatment no one talks about is the fact that if you aren't suicidal or a danger to yourself and others, such as myself, you are placed into a 6 month long waiting list.
Now, let me be clear here, I completely understand why people with suicidal thoughts etc should be at the front of the queue, I absolutely agree with that. But my issue is, they get placed at the front of a queue; they still have to wait. Okay it may not be a 6 month long wait, but it is a wait none the less, surely someone who wants to or is thinking about ending their own life should be seen immediately? I firmly believe that in this day and age where mental health is so out there in the open and something we are all becoming more and more aware and educated about, that there should be a more efficient treatment process.
As with many types of mental health issues, for me there are good days and bad days, but those bad days hit me so hard I can't even begin to describe them to you. The only thing I could liken it to is being in a huge black hole, some days I am able to see the light the top and others I can't even see my hand in front of my face. Those are the days where I think to myself that the darkest thoughts about myself enter my head and I feel so sad and isolated that I don't know what to do.
As I write this, I would call today a bad day. Not as bad as the last few days have been but still pretty grim. I received a message from my boss earlier this week stating that he would like to have a meeting to discuss my future at the school. It sent me into a complete tailspin. I've buried my head in the sand somewhat about work, I've kept in on the back burner all this time as a goal to return to, but I have come to the realisation that I will not be able to perform to expectation now. I am 'unfit for purpose' and all but useless.
That realisation hit my hard, right in the pit of my stomach, I am no longer fit for the job I worked my way from the bottom up to get, the role I devoted my entire adult life to, the thing that made me so stressed and anxious I had a stroke at 29. I feel like I've lost my purpose in life, and for the first time in my adult life I feel like I have no purpose. I can't do my job, I can't be a Mother, I can't think of a single other role I could translate my skills to that I would be physically able to do and enjoy... I feel lost & alone.
When a person with any mental health issue says "what's the point of me being here?" everyone assumes that person is suicidal and should be treated as such, I can promise you I have never had any desire to harm myself in my life, but right here and now in this moment I am asking myself what is the point of me being here. I am hopeful that, in time, with patience and faith in my recovery, that I will be able to find a new purpose or goal, that I will be able to answer the question about why I am here, but that doesn't mean that how I feel now in this moment isn't valid. Our feelings are always valid.
Another thing I never expected to feel was Guilt. I somehow managed to convince myself that the stroke was all my fault; when they couldn't find a reason for it I automatically blamed my weight - when the consultant pointed out I had been on the keto diet at the time of my stroke and 2 stone down I then decided it was still my fault because I knowingly went to work and repeatedly put myself in a situation that caused me unnecessary stress over a prolonged period of time. I have so much remorse for the people around me because my stroke has impacted them and their lives so much. Feeling insanely guilty on my 'good days' because I'm 'off sick'. It is never ending.
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