As soon as my diagnosis hit I was inundated with letters and calls for appointments with various doctors and specialists.
A stroke in someone so young raises red flags for things such as small holes in the heart which can allow clots to pass through and end up causing a stroke. So ultimately the hospital will do every test possible, cover every base, until they find something that may potentially show up as a reason for stroke.
Now, as I mentioned before, I've got a really irrational fear of hospitals and anything related to them, needles mainly. So this wasn't good news for me.
The first things I had done were simple things, I was fitted with a blood pressure monitor for 24 hours, after that I had a heart monitor for 7 days to check for an irregular heartbeat, I had endless blood tests, I had 2 echocardiograms, I had ultrasounds on my neck and chest...At one point I was visiting the hospital at least once a week for something or other.
However, in my case, every single investigation they performed didn't come back with anything that could of caused me to have a stroke. I have no holes in my heart, no irregular heartbeat, I do have high blood pressure but that has only been evident post stroke.
I felt like I was waiting for answers that would never come. Which only made my guilt and anxiety worse. I blamed myself for the stroke because there was a good chance it had been caused by the level of stress I had been under at work, I was well aware several months prior to the stroke that I was getting overwhelmed with the workload and was experiencing some signs of anxiety and depression regarding work, I spoke to Lee and he advised me to leave, give my notice and walk out while I still could, before it ground me down so much I had no choice in the matter. I didn't listen.
You have to be a certain kind of person to work with children in my opinion, we certainly aren't there for the money because it's pitiful. We do it because we know we are equipped to make a difference, to let a child know they are important and they are cared about. It is purely out of love for children and a commitment to their care. I could not walk away from the child that came to see me every 2 days to tell me how much he missed his Grandma since she passed, or the child who cried every week because he truly believed he was unlovable because his Dad had left home, the same with the child who was as thin as a rake but was absolutely convinced she was enormous and shouldn't be eating. Let alone the children with the autistic tendencies that needed their snacks made a certain way or their environments tailored around their needs. In my mind, I was a pillar of strength and support for those children and each and everyone of them on my caseload needed me.
Now, there is a saying, that a crew is only as good as their captain, in schools there are several captains, and several others who think they are also captains but that's another story for another blog. I'm not backwards coming forwards in the slightest, I approached a 'captain' and mentioned I was struggling with the work load, and needed more time to complete the paperwork side of things, to which she replied "You need to make time." Ever helpful. I had a stroke 7 days later. I wonder if she did ever get those reports filled in.
The team mentality within schools is incredible. You will not find a closer knit family than a group of Teaching Assistants. It goes without saying that without the girls I worked alongside, I wouldn't have lasted this long. They are absolute warriors and machines. The way in which we can pull up someone in the family that is sinking is amazing. To work in such a team is a privilege for which I will always be grateful.
Regardless of the strength of the team, nothing could have stopped my stroke from happening, I was a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. I will always regret not listening to Lee and going elsewhere before the choice was taken out of my hands. My life has been altered forever and I've been left with a permanent reminder of the fact that I didn't do what was best for me.
There is a massive element of guilt for me post stroke; I feel as though if I had listened and made the necessary changes to my job and had a better working environment then I might not of had the stroke.
There is also the guilt that I have impacted everyone's life around me; The girls at work are managing my work load as well as their own, Lee is having to work and support us both, my parents are worrying about being in another country in case something else happens to me, I'm not a good friend anymore because I can't reach out and spend time with my friends and their children like I used to, I can't spend time with my Nan who's 82 and needs help and support. Being the person that I am I think I will always carry that around with me to be honest. But it is a natural part of the recovery process and I have to remind myself frequently that I am not to blame.
Comments
Post a Comment