Skip to main content

I think I'm loosing the plot.

Another thing no one warned me about post stroke was the fact that I would feel like I had completely and utterly lost the plot. 

Now, I'm not blowing my own trumpet, but I have many years of training centred around mental health under my belt-*Toot Toot* -  it's something I am extremely interested in and passionate about. So when I felt my anxiety levels rising and saw the change in my character I knew immediately I needed to acknowledge it and do something to help myself.  So I began with the basics, breathing exercises, grounding myself, distraction techniques that kept my hands and mind occupied, journaling, talking about the way I felt to Lee and to my GPs, all the things that I would advise a young person to do if they were to come to me and say they felt anxious. But it didn't help me in the slightest. 

I was so angry and so sad, all the time. I would lie awake at night worrying about every aspect of life that I could possibly worry about; from money and the lack there of when my sick pay stopped to the deep set fear that Lee would hate being stuck with someone who was younger than him but had the physical health of a 80 year old! It didn't even let up when I was finally able to get to sleep, I'd have nightmares that would trigger panic attacks, worse than I have ever known before. I remember vividly one night waking up and feeling the familiar feeling of panic and fear creeping up on me, normally at that point I would get up and have a walk to the bathroom and distract myself by washing my face, but this time I couldn't get up. I felt as though someone was holding me down and I was pinned to the bed. This triggered a deeper level of panic than ever before. All I wanted to do was wake Lee up and ask him to hold me and I couldn't. I would not wish that feeling on my worse enemy. 

I finally admitted defeat and spoke to my GP and was initially told "you've had a life changing thing happen this is to be expected." I persisted with contacting my Doctors and spoke to an amazing female doctor who was so understanding and compassionate. She spoke to me in such a kind tone that I almost cried. She put me on 50mg of sertraline which over time increased to the 200mg I'm on today.

Sertraline can have some major side effects which I'm told are extremely unpleasant. Fortunately though, I didn't experience anything too rough apart from some nausea and sleepless nights, which by then I was used to anyway.

One thing that really shocked me was the lack of acknowledgement my mental health got when I applied for PIP (Personal Independence Payment) through the Department for Work and Pensions. Something that was so huge and life altering for me was so insignificant to them. 

I have recently sent a change of circumstance letter to them detailing the worsening of my mental health, because for me, it's important that it is acknowledged, not for the money but for the principle. 

Don't get me wrong now, I understand one hundred percent why I'm depressed. I'm not blind to the fact that I have gone from one type of person to another. But I don't think I will ever accept it fully. 

I really wish there had been someone to forewarn me about how bad it could get, it wouldn't have changed anything but I would maybe have been prepared for it. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Happy New Year - 2022

Firstly, I want to apologise for the lack of posts for the last few months; I have really struggled to pull myself out of the  rut I was stuck in if I am completely honest. Secondly, and most importantly, I came to wish each and every one of my readers a very happy New Year; may 2022 bring you all health, wealth and happiness.   
1 comment
Read more

Alternative Methods for Recovery

  When I was first visited by my Occupational Therapist she gave me a list of activities and exercises I could do to improve the strength in my affected hand. She gave me some resistance bands and some 'Theraputty' and a page of instructions and left me to it.  I got bored of these incredibly quickly and started searching for ways I could incorporate these exercises into different activities that would hold my interest for longer.  It was Lee who noticed an advert on Facebook for diamond art pictures, he thought that the level of concentration and fine motor skills it required would help with my spasticity on my affected side. He was right, I was instantly hooked. For weeks I sat in bed with a tray on my lap putting thousands of tiny gem stones on pictures and creating beautiful (if a little wonky) works of art... I mean I'm not about to frame them and put them on the walls in my front room any time soon but they were fun to do.  I also took an interest in colouring ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Celebrating Your Accomplishments Is Essential

As a 'disabled person' it is all to easy to fall down the rabbit hole of what you can't do anymore and forget what you can do, especially what you can do well.  For me personally, I feel that I've spent the previous 12 months filling in form after form for various organisations, for example when applying for PIP, Universal Credit and ESA, detailing what I can't do anymore or what I need help to do, god forbid you say something positive about your capabilities on the PIP form, the decision maker has an uncanny ability to turn the tables on you and turn your 'can do' into could do more... You have to be so specific and brutally honest about your lack of ability to carry out day to day tasks it can have a really negative impact on your outlook and self esteem.  Earlier today I was cutting Lee's hair, something I've done since before I had my stroke, something I feel I do a bloody good job of too. When I finished I was so chuffed with myself with how goo...
Post a Comment
Read more