Skip to main content

I think I'm loosing the plot.

Another thing no one warned me about post stroke was the fact that I would feel like I had completely and utterly lost the plot. 

Now, I'm not blowing my own trumpet, but I have many years of training centred around mental health under my belt-*Toot Toot* -  it's something I am extremely interested in and passionate about. So when I felt my anxiety levels rising and saw the change in my character I knew immediately I needed to acknowledge it and do something to help myself.  So I began with the basics, breathing exercises, grounding myself, distraction techniques that kept my hands and mind occupied, journaling, talking about the way I felt to Lee and to my GPs, all the things that I would advise a young person to do if they were to come to me and say they felt anxious. But it didn't help me in the slightest. 

I was so angry and so sad, all the time. I would lie awake at night worrying about every aspect of life that I could possibly worry about; from money and the lack there of when my sick pay stopped to the deep set fear that Lee would hate being stuck with someone who was younger than him but had the physical health of a 80 year old! It didn't even let up when I was finally able to get to sleep, I'd have nightmares that would trigger panic attacks, worse than I have ever known before. I remember vividly one night waking up and feeling the familiar feeling of panic and fear creeping up on me, normally at that point I would get up and have a walk to the bathroom and distract myself by washing my face, but this time I couldn't get up. I felt as though someone was holding me down and I was pinned to the bed. This triggered a deeper level of panic than ever before. All I wanted to do was wake Lee up and ask him to hold me and I couldn't. I would not wish that feeling on my worse enemy. 

I finally admitted defeat and spoke to my GP and was initially told "you've had a life changing thing happen this is to be expected." I persisted with contacting my Doctors and spoke to an amazing female doctor who was so understanding and compassionate. She spoke to me in such a kind tone that I almost cried. She put me on 50mg of sertraline which over time increased to the 200mg I'm on today.

Sertraline can have some major side effects which I'm told are extremely unpleasant. Fortunately though, I didn't experience anything too rough apart from some nausea and sleepless nights, which by then I was used to anyway.

One thing that really shocked me was the lack of acknowledgement my mental health got when I applied for PIP (Personal Independence Payment) through the Department for Work and Pensions. Something that was so huge and life altering for me was so insignificant to them. 

I have recently sent a change of circumstance letter to them detailing the worsening of my mental health, because for me, it's important that it is acknowledged, not for the money but for the principle. 

Don't get me wrong now, I understand one hundred percent why I'm depressed. I'm not blind to the fact that I have gone from one type of person to another. But I don't think I will ever accept it fully. 

I really wish there had been someone to forewarn me about how bad it could get, it wouldn't have changed anything but I would maybe have been prepared for it. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Happy New Year - 2022

Firstly, I want to apologise for the lack of posts for the last few months; I have really struggled to pull myself out of the  rut I was stuck in if I am completely honest. Secondly, and most importantly, I came to wish each and every one of my readers a very happy New Year; may 2022 bring you all health, wealth and happiness.   
1 comment
Read more

If I had had a stroke, I'd know about it.

The 4th of March 2020 began like every other day. I woke up at 5.30am, washed, dressed and headed out the door ready to start my day, not knowing that when I came home later that evening life would never be the same again. I arrived at work, a local Primary School, at 7am and set up the hall ready to welcome the children that would be attending Breakfast Club that day. The session was busy as always, but uneventful, no drama, no issues, no angry parents or children having issues with each other. Nothing out of the ordinary at all. That was until 8.45 rolled around and I lost all feeling in my right side.  Initially, I thought my foot had gone numb because my boots were new and, to be frank, I've got fat feet, so my plan of action was to get to my classroom and remove my boots. I would have to work with bare feet and deal with it later. However, by the time I had walked the short distance from the hall to the classroom, my whole right side had gone numb, I couldn't hold my handb...
Post a Comment
Read more

Physical Effects of Stroke

So, on the morning of my stroke, initially I went completely numb on my right side; it started in my foot and I actually thought that my new boots were too tight. Within minutes it had moved up my whole leg, hip, torso and down my right arm. I remember holding my pride and joy designer handbag and not being able to lift it up to put it in the cupboard at work. After about 2/3 weeks at home being completely bedridden I managed to get around using Lee or strategically placed furniture for support, but I couldn't scrunch up my toes on the right foot. This became my obsession; I would lie in bed day after day just staring at my toes willing them to move, after 9 weeks, by which point I had all but given up, I was lying in bed one night and felt a spasm in my foot, I looked down and I was scrunching my toes up. 16 months on, I can still scrunch them up, the only noticeable difference from my none affected side is that actions seem to be somewhat in slow motion.  The right side of my bod...
Post a Comment
Read more